you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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