Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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