Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
