You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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