i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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