i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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