Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
