there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize