I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
