So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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