guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
