true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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