Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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