haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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