Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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