Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Randomize