My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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