my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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