I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
