i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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