____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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