why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
