Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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