Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize