I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
