I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
