pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
