Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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