I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
