Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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