what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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