tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
