I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize