she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
