I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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