Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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