Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
