ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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