Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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