Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
