The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
