I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
