Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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