"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
