I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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