i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
