I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
