hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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