id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
