I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
