Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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