Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
