she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
