I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
