So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize