You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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