I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
