I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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