I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
