Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
