I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
