I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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