matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
