Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize