He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
where are you?
Hypothermia
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
