I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wear drunk well.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
