i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
