I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
there is glitter all over my balls
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