I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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