i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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