i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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