he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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