im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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