It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
